If you are employed or self employed, an entrepreneur or run your own business, you will know how crucial it is to get every department within your organisation working in harmony.  You’ll also know just how challenging it can be to do those things which you don’t like to do, are boring, or those you have little or no experience with.

If you are unemployed, or under employed, you’ll also know how frustrating it can be and how desperate you can feel when you’re looking for a job.  So desperate often, that any job will do.  If your underworked or undervalued, you might even start looking for another company to work for which will give you opportunities to be more fulfilled, better paid, or to further your career.

As has often been said before on Birds, there are jobs for which we’re suited, ones for which we’re trained and others which we have to learn – particularly if you’re in a small company and wearing more than one hat.

The majority of people spend around 8 hours a day working on and in their business, patently that’s just a rough average as others will spend 12 or more hours, and some folk only 4 or 5.   There are holidays, weekends, days off, sick days and a cornucopia of ways to skive.  But of course none of the Birds (or their readers) do that, do we?!

All this got me thinking, and I started to ponder the lack of training, expertise or simple aptitude so many have for their relationships.

Hmm, I thought to myself, there’s an opportunity here to open a conversation which might let readers understand their relationships more easily.

So often relationships are given no more attention than simply allowing them to exist.  Really, it’s a crying shame.  Some of you will know your business partner better than your personal partner.  Some of you will be able to quote the company’s income and expenditure better than your own personal ones.  Some of you will be skilled in hiring and firing staff, counselling them through work place situations and be able to spot training opportunities, career advancement programmes and set boundaries for departmental responsibilities.

Others will have the gift of the gab and know just how to market a product to aid the sales team so that when they pitch up at a client’s office, all they need do is hand over an order form – yeah okay, that’s maybe stretching it just a wee bit far, but I’m sure you get the gist!

I bet that your company has a mission statement, you’ll know the values it expects to be respected.  What about logistics and delivery mechanisms, are there procedures in place?   Do you have systems at home, or is that just too organised?

Taking various departments in turn over the coming few weeks, I’m going to share with you ways and means to start looking at your personal relationships in a slightly different light so that respect, attention and time you spend in and on your relationship at home begins to at least match, if not become more important than that which you give your business.

I’ve thought of a few departments, but I know there are many more … if you would share which departments you’d like to have highlighted in the comments below, it’d be really helpful.

Jackie

PS I haven’t quite worked out yet which department sex and intimacy fit into  … suggestions very welcome!  And, maybe it’s them all

The very blustery day outside has reminded me that as people we can be prone to bluster.  Maybe you bluster when you feel trapped or caught out.  Maybe you bluster when you don’t know the answer to something and want to appear to be someone you’re not?

Toro de Osborne courtesy of Wikipedia

I had a friend who relied on bullsh*t and talking a load of b*llocks when the chips were down in order to bluster through whatever was in the way.  It was like taking a sledge hammer to open a nut most of the time.   The thing is it worked, and she got away with it, until she didn’t.  When that happened, she’d move onto the next target.

I quite happily admit to being naive and somewhat innocent much of the time, and used to stand mouth agape when she blustered and bulled her way through something.  Never quite lying, but definitely not telling the truth.

I can’t live like that.  I won’t live like that.  It hurts me and it hurts others.

Sometimes I’ve wondered if maybe I could be a bit less transparent then perhaps I’d get different results.  And then, I remind myself that the results I’d achieve would be ones I couldn’t be proud of, because they’d be gained in an underhand manner.

No, I’d rather be seen for all my strengths and weaknesses and if it doesn’t fit the bill, then that’s fine by me.  I want to look in the mirror in the morning and see someone who can hand on heart be honest and true to herself.  Someone who loves herself enough to recognise exactly who she is.

I’ve been on the receiving end of very serious coercive and downright manipulative treatment of facts in my life and I had to look very closely at myself and ask where I too was/had/could partake in that kind of behaviour.   The trick to this is whether you have a strong reaction to the behaviour which you’re noticing.  If you do, it’s very likely that at sometime you too will have behaved similarly.   Now it might be that it was many years ago, or it might be that some time in the future if you were faced with a situation you might behave like that, it doesn’t mean that you are doing it currently.

I know as a child that I will have manipulated my parents – tantrums to get my own way spring immediately to mind when I was very young (probably about 18;)).  I have probably coerced friends into leaving their cosy sitting rooms to come for a beer with me, or join me in a wild goose chase to hopefully gain a glance at a guy I fancied as a student.   I also know that I have hidden the full truth when I felt that it would have been met with derision, disappointment or I’d be grounded!

When you can begin to tell yourself the truth about the times you have been less than honest with yourself and others, have been manipulative or coercive and begin to make peace with them by recognising what you have since learned and how you would now respond to situations, then that will allow you to stop having to meet others who are less than transparent.

Walking on a wet and windy day is so much easier if you walk straight into it, head held high and with no fear of ruining your appearance

I don’t know if you watch Coronation Street, but the recent episodes dealing with Mark and Audrey have prompted me to write a post which is very dear to my heart. This might stretch your model of the world, and it did mine and many around me. It also taught me, and continues to teach me, more about judgmentalism than I could ever have learned elsewhere.

I had two younger brothers and in 2000, that started to change. One of my brothers began the process of becoming my brister. It’s not a word you’ll find in the dictionary yet, but I’m sure one day it might be. It’s a word I concocted to make meaning of the person who was my brother and is now my sister. Neither of the normal sibling terms felt completely right, so brister she is, and it’s unique, just as she is.

Imagine being invited to your brother’s house for dinner, just you and him.

This had never happened before, so I was on alert for some news! As eggs is eggs, not long into the evening, I was told that he and his wife were splitting up, and then I asked is there someone else involved.  ’Well yes I guess so’. ‘Oh right’, I said. ‘Who is she’? He went and found a photograph of a very attractive girl probably in her late 30′s early 40′s. ‘Do you recognise her’? he asked, I shook my head and mentioned that there was something familiar, but nope I couldn’t have put a name to her.   ‘It’s me’.

The air left my lungs, I felt light headed, I felt sick, my heart was beating at an abnormal rate of knots. These are all the normal effects of an adrenaline surge as your sympathetic system kicks in – flight or fight.

I sat for a while, wordless. And in my head I was trying to search for what this meant.

There was no label to attach to this kind of feeling. There were no guidelines for how to deal with this scenario. You know if a fire had broken out, I knew what to do. If he’d collapsed on the floor with a heart attack, I knew what to do. If he’d been having an affair, or told me he was gay, I knew what to do.

Then something clicked into place. ‘Wow’ I said, ‘do you want to talk about it?’.

And there we sat for a good few hours as I found out all I had never known about my brother. No-one had ever known … and this was the amazing bit … as a family we were as close as close can get. Moreover, he couldn’t keep secrets, ever. We’d to treat him like a mushroom at Christmas, or anytime that was to be a surprise … keep him in the dark and feed him on manure.

Eventually it was time to leave and for me to go back home. I hugged him and vouched my support and love, no matter what. What was there not to love, this was the same person, the same heart beating, it was just a different presentation of the same qualities.

As I got into the car to drive home, my adrenaline rush left me and I started to weep. I screamed and cried for the 20 minute drive home, and then I threw up. I joined my then husband in bed and found out very quickly that my acceptance of my brother was going to be far from the normal.

Reflecting on this today, I realise now that the long journey had only just begun and there was much more to come. Pain, ridicule, exclusion, and much more. I could see everyone’s points of view and for a time I shilly shallied in two camps.

What I could never get my head round was the fact that people blamed him for who he was.   It wasn’t like he’d suddenly chosen the route he was now taking.  He’d felt ‘wrong’ ever since he was 13 and had kept it under wraps all through the Royal Marines, security guarding in South Africa, farming in Zambia, working in Australia, running his own haulage company and his latest venture, building children’s playgrounds.  He was a fantastic father to two young boys of 4 and 1.  He had tried to ignore it, and eventually it was destroying his health and happiness.  It took all the balls god had given him to be true to himself.

This wasn’t a passing fancy, this was real life.

And he wanted to go the whole way and be a post operative transsexual.

To do this meant gruelling operations which would only be undertaken once he’d lived ‘as a woman’ for a year.  This caused even more discord in the camps of those who knew him.  There were those who wanted him dead, and failing which, to just leave the country along with his new body, make up, wigs and skirts, there were others who were willing to understand but not want to see him and there were some who would see him in the privacy of their homes.  There were very few who would be seen in public with him.

What was really fascinating as an observer was how liberating it was for her, because living as a woman, makes you a ‘her’. And post operatively, she was definitely a her!  It was like seeing a teenager beginning to experiment with style, with fashion, with make up – often the get ups were quite wild and not my taste, but hey, I was in my 40′s by this time and she was still a teenager.  It was great training for when my daughters would grow up!

Her wife, as you can imagine, took the brunt of the blow and there were rules and regulations laid down which my brister had to follow when seeing the boys.  Kids are amazing, they just take what is.  Adults add in their own fears, hurt, prejudices and beliefs.   I’d to lie to my children about my brister and keep any meeting I had with her a secret until after I separated from my husband.

She wasn’t welcomed at wider family gatherings any longer.

Our parents were amazing, they didn’t hugely like it, but they accepted it.   It was hard for them to adjust to a new name and the flamboyant dressing.  Strangely now, 12 years on, she dresses in jeans and rugby tops, wears very little make up and the wigs were chucked years ago.  In retrospect, that would have been much easier for everyone to handle in the transition period!

So where is she now, and how does a post op transsexual live?

After our Dad died in 2006, she chose to move out to New Zealand (some of them got their wish!) and train to be a helicopter pilot and then succeeded in getting her commercial licence, as you do!  The helicopter industry isn’t an easy one to get jobs in without squillions of flying hours, so she’d to find work.  She now drives enormous  milk tankers for one of New Zealand’s largest dairy companies.

I went out in June to see her for her 50th birthday and it was such a joy for me to see her in her full glory.

Happy, relaxed and without any snide comments or remarks.

She has a wide, diverse and loyal group of friends which spreads throughout the country.  She is accepted for who she is, she never makes any bones of who she was, and would never deny or hide it.  Why would she, she’s lived a rich and varied life, full of experiences most people will never ever have.  The New Zealanders have taken her to their heart, as in truth, does anyone who meets her.

At her party full of men, women and children, her old flying instructor, and great mate Andy, gave a speech.  This guy is a typical big kiwi in his mid 40′s, very much a man!  He and I had been chatting about how they accepted her.  He remembers her arriving in the office and his initial thoughts.  He remembers finding out she was normal and just one of us.  Trust me there couldn’t be a higher accolade.

The problem is only from the few of those who are unable to put aside their own fears of what mixing with her might say about them.  My answer to that  - You’re not one of us.

So many of us are driven by ‘I wonder what might happen if …. ‘ and then leave it hanging in the air.  Me, I like to take the ‘if’ and run with it, use it, play and be curious.  To do that means you’ve got to be willing to suspend any form of attachment to an outcome, and know that it will teach you something – even if it’s not doing it again!

This weekend I set off on a bit of an adventure.  I was wondering what the word adventuring really meant – and broken down it looks like this [ad] – to or towards  [venturing] – be daring, be uncertain of the outcome.  Basically it’s the same as testing what if!

Like all good adventures, it involved a bit of discomfort, particularly getting up at 4am on a Friday morning for a 4.5 hour drive.  The second discomfort came at 7am when I’d pulled over for a wee stop and to stretch my legs.  Suddenly it hit me.  The thought, the fear, the oh oh – I should have looked up the ferry timetable, I’ve got a funny feeling it sails at different times on a Friday.  By this stage however, there wasn’t anything I could do about it, I would either get the ferry, or I would miss it.  And it didn’t matter which.  Let go of the outcome, do your best, the world won’t stop and there will always be a solution.

The ferry was there as I approached Ullapool.  Ullapool is in the north west of Scotland, it’s a tiny wee fishing village and very picturesque.   From here the ferry leaves to go to Stornoway on the Isle of Lewis, it’s a 2.5 hour sailing which gets pretty hairy on windy days!  This as you can see wasn’t one of those days … well it was a bit lumpy once we were out in the open water, but nothing too major.

As with adventuring, you have to leave the safe waters of the port and get out onto the open seas before you can tell if you’re cut out for uncertainty.  The captain and crew are well used to the rough seas, it’s the passengers who have difficulty believing all is well.  Learning to trust that all will be well is an art form we’d all do well to practice.

Lewis, an island very close to my heart.  The man I was to stay with also very close to my heart.  Five years of absence and I felt the pull magnify.  The uncertainty of change, the adventure of newness tinged with history and sadness.  No outcome, just a conscious decision that it would be what it would be.  All would be well.

A glorious weekend of laughter, chat, catch up and long walks ensued.  And all the while remaining unattached to outcome.  Letting the time roll, letting experiences be, allowing and observing, taking delight in breathing the brisk (it’s very windy up there!) fresh, clean and unpolluted air rolling in from the Atlantic.  Passing places racked full of memories, some sad, some happy, all important.

Beaches like no other and as I left Tolsta Beach on Sunday after the pups had tried to drown one another, I noticed that the salt water on my cheeks was not from the sea.  The tears rolled down and with them went my fears of returning to a place I’d been torn from.  I knew that this was in truth less of an adventure, and more a return to say goodbye.  It took the love of natural beauty to really let me understand how little changes, and how little stays the same.  There’ll hardly be a grain of sand on the beach which was there 5 years ago, but to all intents and purposes, it looked the same.  The rocks, they too have gone through their own small changes – the wind, the rain and the crashing waves taking their toll.

Our thoughts go backwards and forwards, checking in to make sure we’re doing the right thing.  They wonder what if, and only ever find what is.  Letting go lets you find what is and though it may appear the same, nothing remains as it was.

Photo credit : Visit Scotland

How often do you find yourself having to translate what you said so that someone else can understand you?

I’m not talking about someone who speaks a foreign language, I’m talking about someone in your life – your partner, parents, children, siblings, friends etc.  Isn’t it amazing that you can say something and it can be heard in so very many different ways.  It’s also extremely frustrating especially when it’s taken the wrong way and turned around.

There can be nothing more galling than saying something just as you mean it, and being told that it isn’t what you said by the listener.  Well ok, there can be other things, but really, what a cheek … if it came out of my mouth I know what I said and what I meant by it.

Doing what I do and knowing what I know, I don’t have a hiding place on this one.  I’ve got to remember what I’ve learned.  Sometimes though I wish to goodness, I could forget it all, just for 5 minutes, or even half an hour!!   But, it’s a way of life now, it’s in my blood and if something comes up which makes my blood boil, I’m duty bound (to myself) to take a look at what I could have done differently.

One of the biggest tripper uppers is when one person speaks literally and the listener listens inferentially, or vice versa.   May I give you a demonstration?

• Me (being literal and stating what is):  I’m thirsty
• Friend (being inferential and reading into it) : goes and gets me a glass of water
• Result – I feel guilty as I didn’t ask for one!

OR

• Me (being inferential and asking for a glass of water in a round about manner) : I’m thirsty
• Friend (being literal and not hearing the request) : well get yourself a glass of water
• Result – I’m cross because they didn’t give me what I asked for

You can see if you’re addressing a group that you might have both sets of listeners and speakers within it.  In such instances, maybe saying something like ‘I’m thirsty and would like [name] to get me a glass of water please’ will create the result you’re looking for!  It may seem like overkill but there’s no point in being inferential and then getting cross that someone isn’t giving you what you thought you’d asked for but hadn’t spelled out.

I used to be a  literal speaker and an inferential listener.  It would mean I’d be imagining all sorts of things were being requested of me when really they weren’t.

The inferential listener can save themselves many hours of mental torture thinking that they’re being put upon just by simply asking ‘ were you asking for something?‘ and giving the person the opportunity to tell them what they meant.

The inferential speaker may not know that they are doing it as it’s mostly unconscious.  Once you start asking them the questions to clarify what they meant, they might start to get the message.  Alternatively, you might choose to point out what your dilemma is and ask them to be clear and state what they are asking for.

By the way I’m thirsty, and yes, I’d love a cup of tea please

I don’t know if you’ll remember but I got a new car, well to me at any rate, at the beginning of June.  Polly Punto and I are building our relationship beautifully.

Photo courtesy of knightrider-tvshow.com

In all my years of driving and the multitude of cars I’ve driven in three different continents, I’ve never had a speaking one before!!  Knight rider this isn’t!  There is only one message I get from my car – ‘Oi, you’re going backwards’.

I know you get some new cars which have an audible notification for when you’re getting too close to banging into something, and I’m sure that can be very useful if you haven’t got a clue what length your car is, or if you’re parking a stretch limo and can’t see the rear bumper.

But this is an internal noise which comes on when I pop it into reverse.  And it remains on right up till I take the gear stick out of reverse.

It annoys me, in fact it’s making me think twice before I park.

It struck me just yesterday, wouldn’t it be great if we had an internal device which would warn us when we were going backwards in our relationships?  A sound that stayed on until you flipped the gear into first and took off in a forward facing direction.

Maybe we already have them?  Just take a minute and notice what happens when your relationship is going backwards – there’s either a raising of decibels, or the sound of silence.    Even from the outset, you might notice a deep in drawing of breath which could alert you to the ‘you have selected the reverse gear’,  just in case you didn’t do it deliberately.

Our relationships go through all sorts of terrain and sometimes you might wish you had a 4 wheel drive so that you weren’t skidding all over the place and you could get out of the mud more easily.  At other times, you could do with a cruise control button when things are going so smoothly, you could almost take your hands off the wheel (but don’t – really it’s not wise and Sarah would have things to say!)

The quickest and easiest way to get your relationship moving forward, is communication.  Remember that the meaning of your communication is the response you get.  What that boils down to is knowing that although you might have meant one thing, another thing entirely can be heard and responded to.   It really is up to you to phrase your words in a way which your partner can understand them.

How do you do that?

The majority of guys can understand things if you use words which have a visual effect -

• d’you see what I mean?
• can you picture it?
• it looks lovely

There seems to be a time in life when you cherish sleeping in your own bed more than you do someone else’s. You know your bed, you’ve chosen it after all. It’s neither too hard, nor too soft, but just right for you. It’s a veritable Goldilocks kind of affair.

My ex husband could cope with different beds, but hated unknown pillows – if we were visiting places in this country, he’d take his own pillow with him.

It’s been a while since I did any bed hopping, I’ve missed it! There’s something delicious about waking up in someone else’s bed and not knowing where you are. The middle of the night creeping around to find the loo can be a bit more problematic if you sleep naked.

I’ve noticed how many clients tell me that they don’t want to sleep in someone else’s bed with them. It gets too hot, the person moves around too much, they snore, they talk in their sleep, they get disturbed if the person gets up to go to the loo. It seems to me that many couples have separate bedrooms, and certainly separate beds. Maybe the extra large King size beds are the perfect answer – perhaps with a bolster down the middle to keep your side clear of intrusion.

If you’ve been single for a while, and start a new relationship, it’s the sleeping together with someone which takes quite a bit of getting used to. It’s often sorely missed until it becomes a reality! As a singleton you might fall asleep wishing you were in the arms of your beloved, only to find that your neck gets a crick in it, or what had been sweet breath on the back of your neck is bugging the hell out of you as you’re trying to attain dream state.

I remember one partner was like an octopus and had me enclosed, trapped and I couldn’t move even if I wanted to – his legs tied me up and his arms were so heavy I could hardly breathe! I’ve got a failsafe method of knowing if a partner is even remotely long term material …. I judge where in the bed I wake up in the morning. If I’m clinging to the edge of the bed and taking up all of 8 inches, it’s time to leave the relationship. If on the other hand, I’m happily in the middle (and so is he) then I reckon that the relationship is standing a chance.

Sharing your sleeping space with someone can result in some interesting insights! When you’re asleep your conscious defences drop away and your unconscious mind determines the reality. It’s hugely important to choose who you sleep with wisely and with discernment. There are many people whose energy you really want to be avoiding. Separate beds can be a wonderful thing!

However, I’m not going to be hopping into bed (or at least that’s not my intention!) with loads of different people, but rather, on Friday, I’m being flown to New Zealand for a couple of weeks. I’m told that I’ll be in loads of different peoples’ beds as we (my sister and I) explore the land of the long white cloud, or the land of the ram. The people being hosts, hotels etc etc!

I’m rather hoping that my propensity for a good night’s sleep in anyone’s bed is still with me How easy do you find it to sleep in someone else’s bed, either together or alone?

Photo credit .. Oakdale Beds

I work in the world of relationships which means that whatever I do I know that I create a relationship with it. I’ve found that it works best if I go in with an open mind, a sense of anticipation and allow it to be what it is! The fact that I’ve not been officially trained in presenting in television or radio hasn’t stopped me. I just wish, quietly, that I’d done it years and years ago – I love it!!

This year I’ve started to share my thoughts and experience on two internet radio shows – one is a weekly live show (The Barefoot Broadcast) and the other is a recorded monthly show (Radio Lightworker).  I’ve had a ball doing it – much to my surprise!!

I’ve co-hosted, hosted and been interviewed live each week since the beginning of January.  To begin with I found it a bit nerve wracking, but I was soon put at ease and I’ve found the medium to be perfect for me!  I love to talk, and have things to say – they’re not always in a perfect sequence, but the shows are fun and provide the audience with a flavour of me ‘live’.

I remember a few years back being advised to get myself on radio so that potential clients can get a flavour of me as a person, well they can now and my Saturday night show (8pm UK) ‘Issues and Tissues’ is perfect for someone who’d like to ask a question and have it answered on air.  The interactivity of Blogtalk radio with its chat room facility and phone in number means that I can provide potential new clients with a taster of my work!

And in true Blue Peter fashion, here’s a wee clip from a show recorded a few weeks ago!!

Being conscious of the ageism which has been highly publicised in mainstream television, I assumed that I had the perfect face for radio – given I’m 51.   When I applied for a role which was advertised recently to work with a Scottish digital TV company, Bad Pony Media, who were looking to do a magazine style dating show, I wondered if I might be rejected out of hand due to my age.  But no, quite the reverse, their company policy is wholly inclusive and there are only two men in the company.  Moreover, they totally support the experience and wisdom of older women … yay!!

The interview was great fun and I felt a very genuine meeting of minds with the two Executive Producers and could see what they were looking to achieve from their new show.  They want to make sure that the ‘All Dolled Up’ candidates have pastoral care and help given to them so that they don’t end up suffering from the 5 minute TV wonder syndrome (I’ve not checked if there actually is a syndrome called that, but you know what I mean!) and they wanted the candidates to have real help with their relationship issues.  You can imagine my delight when I found that they’d chosen me to work with their team on the project.

I spent the day with them on Monday as they started to film the promo video for the new show.  I got all dressed and dolled up myself before I left home at 10.30 in the morning, only to walk out into Force 8 gales and driving rain – bang went my beautiful coiffe!  Filming the interview section was a giggle, the team were brilliant fun and there weren’t too many takes.  Filming the ident (hey check me out – I’m getting the hang of the lingo haha) was slightly less easy as we were in the middle of Glasgow Central Train Station in rush hour!!

Now I know I’m a woman and can multi-task, but walk, talk, read and look at the camera all at the same time – blimey!

Check it out for yourself …. what d’you think?